I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
