Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
