my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
be right there i have to get my cape
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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