Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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