Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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