I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
