i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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