Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
