my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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