I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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