Tell her she can't have a vagina
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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