my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
