It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
