new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
