Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
