I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
