Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
