I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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