i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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