woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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