did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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