I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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