rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
