Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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