Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
