I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
