Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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