I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
