She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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