So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
