Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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