OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You smell like a Billy Joel song
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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