Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
