so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
