How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
