I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
