why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
