i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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