8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
