The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
