i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
