i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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