if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
