I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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