i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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