i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
