i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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