You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
