Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
