no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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