I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.