the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too