I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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