i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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