you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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