I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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