I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
People in love make me want to vomit
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
